I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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