If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
