i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
