dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
