I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he quoted the bible to break up with me
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
