You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
