Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
