I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you will always have a special place in my vag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize