Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
