just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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