I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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