Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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