Since when is my name a synonym for head?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
