I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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