That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
