I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
