Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
