i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
