just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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