just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
