youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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