He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
