I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
