and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
pray to the hookup gods
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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