Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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