We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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