I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
