so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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