you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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