Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
