i think my mom watched the whole time
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
