Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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