my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
