I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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