Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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