anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
