Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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