my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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