She went from zero to smokin in five shots
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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