2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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