I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
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Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
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Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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