John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
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i came on her dog
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
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I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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