Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
