I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
