if i can run in heels then i can drive
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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