Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
