I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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