we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
