On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
