I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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