i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
