a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
