my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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