I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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